Update: many of these are spoken for, and the rest are going to one friend of mine who spoke up early to say he'd have all of them.
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I don't know if it's a girl thing, or just a me thing (but not *just* me, I think), but I've always had trouble laying claim to interests that I'm not deeply involved in.

This ties up a few ideas that've been rolling around my head, like the way I basically never competed with my older siblings in maths and puzzles, or coming to terms with how I came to play the euphonium at the age of ten - not sooner, because apparently I didn't realise that you didn't have to be brilliant straight away - and also, the problem with my first boyfriend having been such a bullshitter that for years I was not able to say no, I've never heard of that band, tell me more?

So there was also this post about the "fake geek girl" concept which got me thinking, partly because I do think traditionally the geekiest people have been kind of autistic, and that's tied into a whole other issue about autism and gender and nature vs nurture debate, but mostly got me kind of sad that people feel the need to attack others for wanting to do the same things they (the first people) want to do... Anyhow I figure I empathise with that author, Kate Conway, who said she feels like she's about to be caught out, if she expresses an interest in something that she hasn't read the whole backstory to. I totes get that - like, I used to be pretty active on the internet, but I will be quick to dismiss my geekery as not computery, because I don't do codegeeking. I really get it. I feel like that when I'm trying to talk or even to humbly find out about things I've always kind of mentally categorised as too cool for me. These things include but are not limited to; parkour, clubbing, climbing, martial arts, roller derby, ska bands. You may note that I actually have some experience in some of these fields. What I don't have is confidence in my history there, or my provable worth/understanding. As opposed to when I'm geeking about instruments, at which point I'm geeking too hard to care much how people react... that's kind of an OCD/aspie side to me which, like I say, I think is pretty common in strongly geeky people... So otherwise it's probably partly the army set-up and being straight out of training that makes me nervous of talking like I think I know more than those around me. I don't want to step on anybody's toes... But then I think it's a habit I've always had, and the thing is; I really don't want it to hold me back from anything. I'm big enough and ugly enough to stand my ground should I get sneered at, and I'm actually old enough now that mostly people don't bother to try to pick holes in . This is... new, odd, and I suppose should be exciting. Mostly I'm confused. It ought to be okay or indeed more than okay not to be so obsessively into something as to be mean to other people wanting to find out about it. Surely it ought to be the aim?

It's ten days till I join the Army, barring everything going tits-up again
I have been such a stresshead this week trying to remember everything I need to sort out and buy and pack and tidy
I had a belly dance class where we talked about how to teach other people, just in case
I've spent liek £200 in two days on kit list stuff. well and nice foods.
I feel I need to write to people but first I probably need to decide who I need to write to
I'm having some foot-warts treated and my feet hurt like anything
Also this has stressed up one of my calves so I'm having the night off from the gym
I have a couple of things I want to write about in detail, I think I even made some notes for one already
I will be really glad to finally go
I am a bit worried that it might all go tits-up again
I think everything will be fine

is insanely unrealistic. This is entirely based on what my mother (of farming stock) has told me. Spoilers!
( bromance! action! adventure! hiding in bedrooms! )

So, the February intake is full. I knew from the minute my op was cancelled last week that there was every chance it would be. But y'know, that's okay. Aside from the fact that my fitness is suboptimal after Christmas and being ill, there is actually Stuff Happening these next couple of months. Brass band contests, a belly dance performance I can be in, oh and my ex's leave. Which I would've missed if I were away from early Feb. So that's alright.
x

You know, I'd quite like to live in a world where the arts are considered useful, and not just by people who work in them. I'd like not to have to justify to people *including myself* the usefulness of what I do.

Because I can't be arsed writing this up properly, here's a conversation I had earlier with @jaimelicious on twitter:

me: it's problematic for me that my talents aren't overtly categorisable as innovative. I'm good at interpreting but it's composers who tend to be making from scratch, as it were.

J: think with music, interpretation is innovation. Hearing a familiar piece in a totally different way, or with new subtleties

me: also interpretation is applied to every piece, whether it's something new or old, obscure or well-known. It's complicated. i used to steward for hcmf, recognise value of the completely new, but for me the most interesting stuff is when you apply new ideas to older genres eg hearing new brass band testpieces incorporate 'contemporary' techniques. When you consider the history of brass bands, bringing high-brow music to a wider audience, educating the folk involved, it isn't so different now it's valuable to bring ideas to a wider range of people even if you're not constantly at the forefront of innovation yourself. i think that's always been my conclusion

It was really useful to talk that through, even though I tend to prefer to throw ideas at someone in person, so I know I'm not freaking them out. Eh. I think it says enough for now.

Part of me thinks this doesn't or shouldn't need saying anymore, and certainly not so damned repeatedly, but here we are.

I keep having this conversation:

me: some kind of comment that is not 100% supportive of a person's choice of diet (usually because my views are too long to go into on first bite) or foolishly advises more activity and less restrictions, etc
them: How dare you call me stupid, I am intelligent and sensitive and in touch with my body and you Just Don't Understand!
( ... )

I got a phone call just before 10am telling me the consultant for my op was ill and their appts cancelled. I've been assured that I'll be rescheduled as soon as possible but I don't know if we're talking weeks or months, because that little "okay. bye" that came out of my mouth was me mentally curling up in a ball. I feel like I jinxed this somehow. Every time something's gone wrong and kept me from the Army, I've felt like I've jinxed it. By talking too excitedly about it, or by planning too far ahead. There were months when I didn't say a word to anyone about what I was trying to do, or what I was thinking and hoping. There have been phases where I've believed really strongly in Meant To Be.
I have no idea what to do. Perhaps it's time to give up and find a real job.

( Antilamentation - Dorianne Laux )

Robbie Williams. I like him. I've always been kinda fascinated by him, even while I don't particularly like his voice and I don't think he's an amazing artist. Millenium must've come out when we were about thirteen, and there was something obviously fake in the "joy" he was trying to project for that vid, that weirdly drew me in. In recent years I read some biography of him, and learnt that his lyrics are his own, which is basically the only good thing about his music. Did you watch Stephen Fry's series on bipolar disorder? Robbie was in that, saying that he's not bipolar. He's depressed. The stage front is just that, a front. That's curious, no? I read a biography on him that was pretty sympathetic, and learnt that he writes his own lyrics; given they're the best part of his music, I like the guy. Go look up the words to No Regrets and Strong. I can get behind that, and I'm big enough and ugly enough to admit to liking something uncool.

I got weighed a lot yesterday, for my pre-op and at the gym, and I'm in the region of 4 1/2lb heavier than I'm used to - about 3lb heavier than my usual period weight. Since I've just come off, let's go with that larger number. I must assume I've put on this weight over the last couple of weeks, when I've been eating and sleeping a lot and not training. On the other hand, the tape measure tells me it's half an inch to an inch of width, evenly spread across my torso. So that's just fine.

These days, while I am quite happy with the way I look, I also judge my body more on what it can do than how it's shaped. Lately I've not been too well, and I guess the bit of weight I've put on is keeping me warm. Clever body :)

I've also turned 25, that magical time when apparently you suddenly gain insights into the world around you, the future and your own soul, leading to the price of your car insurance/rental going down. So far other than those costs, all I can see is the lines on my face getting more pronounced. I'm okay with that too. They tell me I've spent a lot of time smiling.

It's good to be back at the gym.