sevenhelz

Update: many of these are spoken for, and the rest are going to one friend of mine who spoke up early to say he'd have all of them.
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Sitting on my own bed - bought new, by me, for me -

finishing up stuffed olives, houmous and pitta for lunch

in an Army barracks

in Central London

with no duties for a while

but perhaps to choose gifts for old friends

this is not what I would have imagined for my future

but damn if I'm not happy it's my present

I could have wound up anywhere.

I don't know if it's a girl thing, or just a me thing (but not *just* me, I think), but I've always had trouble laying claim to interests that I'm not deeply involved in.

This ties up a few ideas that've been rolling around my head, like the way I basically never competed with my older siblings in maths and puzzles, or coming to terms with how I came to play the euphonium at the age of ten - not sooner, because apparently I didn't realise that you didn't have to be brilliant straight away - and also, the problem with my first boyfriend having been such a bullshitter that for years I was not able to say no, I've never heard of that band, tell me more?

So there was also this post about the "fake geek girl" concept which got me thinking, partly because I do think traditionally the geekiest people have been kind of autistic, and that's tied into a whole other issue about autism and gender and nature vs nurture debate, but mostly got me kind of sad that people feel the need to attack others for wanting to do the same things they (the first people) want to do... Anyhow I figure I empathise with that author, Kate Conway, who said she feels like she's about to be caught out, if she expresses an interest in something that she hasn't read the whole backstory to. I totes get that - like, I used to be pretty active on the internet, but I will be quick to dismiss my geekery as not computery, because I don't do codegeeking. I really get it. I feel like that when I'm trying to talk or even to humbly find out about things I've always kind of mentally categorised as too cool for me. These things include but are not limited to; parkour, clubbing, climbing, martial arts, roller derby, ska bands. You may note that I actually have some experience in some of these fields. What I don't have is confidence in my history there, or my provable worth/understanding. As opposed to when I'm geeking about instruments, at which point I'm geeking too hard to care much how people react... that's kind of an OCD/aspie side to me which, like I say, I think is pretty common in strongly geeky people... So otherwise it's probably partly the army set-up and being straight out of training that makes me nervous of talking like I think I know more than those around me. I don't want to step on anybody's toes... But then I think it's a habit I've always had, and the thing is; I really don't want it to hold me back from anything. I'm big enough and ugly enough to stand my ground should I get sneered at, and I'm actually old enough now that mostly people don't bother to try to pick holes in . This is... new, odd, and I suppose should be exciting. Mostly I'm confused. It ought to be okay or indeed more than okay not to be so obsessively into something as to be mean to other people wanting to find out about it. Surely it ought to be the aim?

It's ten days till I join the Army, barring everything going tits-up again
I have been such a stresshead this week trying to remember everything I need to sort out and buy and pack and tidy
I had a belly dance class where we talked about how to teach other people, just in case
I've spent liek £200 in two days on kit list stuff. well and nice foods.
I feel I need to write to people but first I probably need to decide who I need to write to
I'm having some foot-warts treated and my feet hurt like anything
Also this has stressed up one of my calves so I'm having the night off from the gym
I have a couple of things I want to write about in detail, I think I even made some notes for one already
I will be really glad to finally go
I am a bit worried that it might all go tits-up again
I think everything will be fine

( long post are long )

I think I've said everything I needed to here. Good corsets are really cool. Lingerie that makes you look and feel good is wonderful. Paying attention to how you look does not make you anti-feminist. Wanting to display femininity for any reason, including the aim of having a sexual encounter, is fine and dandy with me. But I don't want this corset anymore. It's a thing I'm not comfortable with, and it's a beautiful thing that someone else could love. If you are or know someone who would be interested in it, please let me know at @sevenhelz on twitter or below (anonymous comments are screened).

is insanely unrealistic. This is entirely based on what my mother (of farming stock) has told me. Spoilers!
( bromance! action! adventure! hiding in bedrooms! )

So, the February intake is full. I knew from the minute my op was cancelled last week that there was every chance it would be. But y'know, that's okay. Aside from the fact that my fitness is suboptimal after Christmas and being ill, there is actually Stuff Happening these next couple of months. Brass band contests, a belly dance performance I can be in, oh and my ex's leave. Which I would've missed if I were away from early Feb. So that's alright.
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