sevenhelz

Trigger warning.
I feel like the entire of twitter should have a trigger warning today; it's taken a while to set me off, but yeah, I'm thinking about some pretty nasty shit.

I have this ex, who I call the bastard, and some of my friends are still friends with him, which is mostly something I ignore.

I have this ex, who played Sublime's Date Rape song at me repeatedly even though it squicked me out, without engaging in serious discussion about why it squicks me out* but occasionally shouting at me "but you should like this song, you love rape!"**, at around the time that I recall, well I'll start a new paragraph.

*1 I don't really want to hear that out of the blue, it's one thing to choose to read something when I'm feeling strong and there are TRIGGER WARNINGS everywhere and another for it to be thrust upon me, 2 it's inaccurate in portraying most date rape as obvious/forceful rape, 3 it's inaccurate in portraying reporting & getting someone recognised as guilty + punished as simple, 4 IT CONDONES FURTHER RAPE as punishment, along the way implying that you only shouldn't rape because you'll be punished rather than because you would hurt another human being
** it's true I was reading a lot about rape on e.g. Shakesville at the time - acquainting myself with a body of feminist theory and with a lot of personal stories, touching on how rape jokes made from the victim POV can be darkly funny etc, see point 1 above

I can't remember if I've written about this before. Partly because it's hard and partly because I don't think of it as rape (though certainly emotional abuse at best) so there's this whole thing of am I looking for some kind of weird validation or what the fuck why... will this help anyone? No? Then best leave it alone.. but I think it might help me to poke at it a bit tonight.

I don't remember much of being with the bastard ex; I'm blessed with a poor memory for details, so the arguments I've written about on blogs are now mostly curiosities I rediscover occasionally. When I think about being with him, I remember being exhausted all the time, and angry, but mostly afraid. Not of him, I think. Of the outside world. I was a final year student, I was afraid of not doing enough work, afraid of the work itself, afraid of having to go out and get a job, afraid of not being able to do the things I want, afraid to not be good enough... and because I was afraid, I wasn't doing the things I could've done to actually get me the work I wanted, but that's mostly another story.

I can't verify how much of the fear was fed by my ex's behaviour, and I can't verify how much of his behaviour was intentionally manipulative. What I do know is that he liked seeing me annoyed; he said as much, that I was cute when I was angry. I know that he intentionally called me pet names I hated, and pissed me off with little jokes and ways of touching me that I didn't like (seemingly harmless shit like tickling) and, probably more things that I don't remember. I know that he pushed me too hard to run, and he's why I had a knee injury (just run through it! It'll stop hurting!) although again, that probably was not intentional. I can't verify how much of my exhaustion was his fault or intentionally not attended to, but it is classic abusive behaviour, to keep your partner too tired and afraid to think straight (and potentially see other options, because you're too busy dealing with crisis after crisis). Other classic abusive behaviours he displayed include telling me all concerned that perhaps one of my oldest friends was no longer worth my time, and policing my appearance ("but I told you from the start it mattered to me").

Anyway, I'm avoiding the point. The point is that I remember nights when I was so tired, everything hurt. Breathing hurt. Being awake hurt. Being touched was hell. How the fuck I got that way didn't matter, I just needed.to.rest.

Seriously, trigger warning.

And at least some of these nights, the ex would start touching me... I forget how, probably generic hug/reach to begin with. He would make it clear, physically, he wanted sex. I would attempt to make it clear I was too tired. I was practically fucking comatose, for nature's sake. He might get whiny and wonder why I was never interested these days. I don't remember him forcing me, exactly, but I know that I knew that he would be in a better mood if he had a regular release, and I know that I let him take his pleasure sometimes.

I am blessed with a poor memory for detail. But I know that it takes effort for me to enjoy sex, and comfort, and taking our time. And I know that without these things, sex can be really quite painful. I know that in the past, boyfriends have unthinkingly, unmeaningly hurt me - and if they realised, they have usually stopped. I know that this particular ex did not give two shits how I was feeling; if anything, I believe he enjoyed my pain.



To those who know the armyboy I got with shortly after, it may be a relief to learn that he does not enjoy sleeping with someone who is not truly enjoying themselves.