sevenhelz

Go here: http://www.tubaquartet.com/vivavoce.html and listen to the sample of Benediction, and you may understand why I'm buying euph quartet CDs.

On the other hand, it could be more complicated than that. Today I texted about a dozen people, saying simply, Opinion poll: would you think I was crazy if I joined up as an engineer instead of a musician?

...half expecting people to say yes, that's crazy, your skills are better suited to music and also, you love it, it is your lifeblood, why would you want to do anything else?
I should've known better. One musician said something like this. One. My friends are a supportive bunch, most of whom helped talk it out.

Some were confused; "I did think you mostly wanted into the forces because of the music, but I guess it's grown on you overall?"

- I get asked a lot about why I'm joining. About how I feel about the nasty things I might have to do, or whether it frightens me that I might get injured. The easy way out is to say, oh, but I'll be a musician. They never see battle. The closest we'd get to the front is as far back as our bases reach, playing some music for the folks who're off-duty in the safe area. In really hard times, we might be called on to drive ambulances, or hose down people in decontamination centres. -this is the answer most of my family got, and anyone I felt like being flippant with or didn't have the energy to truly take on.

The real answer? I have immense respect for everyone in the forces. It took getting involved in the TA for me to realise how much a part of our lives these services are, and to meet a few squaddies and get to know how they work*. They're not a monolith; they're not all amazing. But what's struck me is the level-headed approach to issues. I can't count the times I've seen someone in a flap, talking to Damo, and he listens seriously, nods a few times, says he'll sort it, and sorts it. That's a good NCO for you. A guy who doesn't care for your drama. I love that attitude. We'll get pissed and argue, but when it counts we'll get the job done. That's essentially how I've always approached banding; there's a time for banter and a time for packing all the kit down and counting the music stands. So I love the army attitude, get your admin done, and you can play as hard as is sensible given you're up at 0600. As far as the nastiness goes, I'm not actually a nice person. My baseline anger is fairly damn high. A couple of years ago I looked at the army, and I looked at people involved in the kink scene, and I looked at domestic violence, and I realised there're an awful lot of people in the world who have violent urges. Some know how to direct them sensibly and consensually. Some are absolute fucktards. Others have their anger directed for them (and it turns out there are books devoted to the theory of artificially heightened aggression and how forces bullshit can take the edge off this and allow people who've seen and done really nasty shit to not be like that all the time). I may not always agree with how politicians use the army, but I don't think it's the army's fault. It's basically an organisation full of individuals, many of whom are very interesting well-rounded beings whom I would like to get to know, who occasionally in the line of duty have to kill people or get injured themselves. If I'm to be part of that organisation, it seems only fair to be running those risks myself, and I like to feel useful, and frankly, I have very little time for musicians who would genuinely rather leave the service than transfer to another trade. You're army for goodness' sake!

*It also took being recruited into the TA for me to realise that the army would have me (my eyesight is terrible!) and it has been a massive! learning curve since.

On another point, joining the engineers is not a new idea that's suddenly floated into my head; at one point it looked like there was No Room At the Inn for euphonium players, or even trombonists, so I'd've had to learn saxophone or some other daft instrument. It's not that I don't want to play other instruments, but if I'm going to have a career in music, I'd like it to begin with my first love. If not, might as well do something Entirely different, rather than something that everyone thinks is the same but is actually different in ALL THE BAD WAYS.

What *is* a new concept to me is that, like, I can get into the army. I mean, I was pretty shocked to get into the TA, but now I've passed my medical for the Regulars, I can actually join properly. And they will train me as stuff, if I want. Even if I want to be a musician they will send me to Kneller Hall for a bit so we can get a feel for one another (and I can learn to come to attention with the left foot, thankyousomuch BSM for teaching me for a year and a half that it was the right). It's just relatively recently that I've worked out and checked into the idea that they will happily train me up as other stuff. Even being repeatedly asked if I wouldn't rather be an officer didn't get it through to me, because I wouldn't rather be an officer. I think officers should know something about the jobs their staff do, and all I know about is music, and you can't go straight to officer rank in the corps of music, and anyway I don't want to lead people until I've had a chance to check that I can do that. The army promotes people gradually, with training to get them thinking on the next level instead of still focussing on the detail work when they should be mid-level management ie translator between big-picture people and little-detail people, and etc when they move further up the chain. I like that. I like that there are rules and support. I would like to be properly army. More and more I feel like musicians aren't properly army, at least unless they've done something else like be PTI or staff instructor, and while I could do those, I would have to be a musician for a bit first, and I would continue to feel like a fraud during that time.

In entirely other news, I might look into accounting at some point. It's another thing I've (scarily) realised I might be interested in.




I often use the rhetoric of relationships to talk about music, about banding, and about the army. I noted this to two of the friends I occasionally polywibble at, and got two interesting responses.

"Some relationships need changes to keep them fresh, some you have to walk away from for your own sanity. Sometimes you manage to stay friends with your former lovers." - so zie's reading me as needing to be away from the negative aspects of my relationship with music in the forces. I trust hir judgement not because I think zie knows me inside out, but in terms of what I've been saying to hir, zie has a clearer perspective.

and: "I think it's probably an apt rhetoric. Just reading your messages the jealousy issues [which I had said I need to work through before making a decision] looms fairly large so I'm inclined to agree about how important it is to figuring this out. That might be why [engineer]ing would be good if it means you can play music without having to deal with the politics and stress of being a professional musician."

More on this:

I don't get jealous much. Not in relationships, certainly. My theory is that if you're getting enough of something, it makes no sense to worry where the rest is going - ie, if you're talking enough with your partner, seeing them as much as you want to, getting enough kisses and cuddles and reassurance and fun, why would you be uptight about them spending time with someone else that way? I figure jealousy is about feeling that there's a finite amount of something and you need to make sure you get your share. I don't believe there's a finite amount of love in the world. I don't believe there's a finite amount of music either; unfortunately there is a finite amount of stage space. I get jealous of other musicians who are in the limelight, and of some singers. It's not about ability - I'm actually more likely to be resentfuljealous if I think someone performing (ie relatively successful, usually paid for at least some of their work) is not as good as I could be (were I in practice*). This is one of the reasons I left singing behind. I couldn't stand the singers who were up their own arses, whose technique was crap but who wouldn't hear a word of advice even from teachers. I couldn't stand the politics of singing soprano, or the fact that often in choirs I'd get stuck singing alto - physically uncomfortable for me - simply because I could actually hold a harmony line**. I still struggle, sometimes, when I see someone onstage, like that godawful Cpl at Kneller Hall a couple of years ago murdering Fields of Gold, to sit back and either enjoy the performance or at worst, sit quietly without making faces; I struggle not to judge technique, not to think like a performance student and measure them against my inner singer. I don't struggle as much with musicians, usually, because if they're good I want to join in, and if they're poor I can blank them out, or at least find interest in their "unique style". I'm not jealous of just any musician who happens to be on a stage, because I'm still performing fairly regularly, and being reminded of the difficulties and peculiarities of banding life every time. I do currently get jealous of musicians who are joining the Forces, who are having their passing out parades and joining good bands***, because I'm not getting what I need in those terms myself; I worry that, if I take up engineering as a career, my jealousy will increase.****

*obviously this applies more to singing, but one of the reasons I felt crap today is that at last night's gig I was really struggling to play two different parts - a skill I had in abundance 18mths ago and have evidently backpedalled on, along with having no bloody lip i had no concentration
**Note to any singers reading this: if you can't read an inner part, you suck.
***Or maybe who are playing more complicated solos than I'm being given, because I'm actually kind of bored of playing Carrickfergus, a year and a half on
****Bloody long paragraph for one point, wasn't it? Terrible writing, this. Don't know why you're reading it.



It's not like I'd be unhappy as a musician. Probably. If I researched my bands, made sure to meet some of them and try to get into rehearsals so at least the players (often not the oblivious conductors) can get to hear me, make use of the open offer our DoM has made to help us by talking to his contacts etc, I could end up in one of the four or five bands whose musical standards might just keep me interested. Even if the marching band and mess gigs don't do it for me, the good bands have lots of smaller ensembles, so lots of vehicles for expression; plus, I've missed being surrounded by musicians, with all the potential for random mashups there is there. What first attracted me to regular army life was the routine, the fresh air and fitness, the regular meals, and the chance of making a decent living alongside making pretty pretty noises to make audiences smile. That hasn't changed; I'm just widening my scope, having a look to see if I could do the stage part in my free time so that the stress of earning a living is no longer mixed in with my love of music. Hell, it's not like I say goodbye to music forever; although they''d make me jump through hoops, it is possible to transfer from one trade to another.

So, in this rapidly changing world, this could be a good time to grab some practical skills. Although I've little experience with engineering, I know from bumbling about at All Brass and Woodwind that I do enjoy repairing things. I've always loved people who can fix stuff, and I would like to be able to do that myself.

Today I was feeling negative in a lot of ways. A lot of it I think is guilt. Guilt at having invested so much time and energy of my own, and money of my family's (I have a very, very good euphonium) into something I don't seem to want to make a go of? More guilt, at not being in practice at the moment, at not having found something that motivates me to play, even though I love it, even though I'm more me when I play. Perhaps some shame at my feeling that I'm running away from the aspects of musicianship I feel are tough - the interpersonal relationships, mostly.* Wariness that I'm not falling into my old trap of fearing that I won't be able to do something, and not putting the effort in that would make it worthwhile because this way if I fail, hey, it's not like I was really trying, right?
...that last one's a pretty killer argument for me. I really do try to face the stuff that's hard or nervewracking, I consider it an important part of my self. I think the difference here is that I'm not nervous that I wouldn't be a good enough player. I'm nervous that I'd not work hard enough at the unseen stuff, the making contacts and the getting my sound heard and so forth... and I'm almost making a decision not to do that, because it's hard.. is that a valid decision... of course it is but is it the right decision... this is where my reasoning founders!

*"running away from something difficult is fine if  what you're running to is better for you"

...also,
"You seem to be erring on the side of tech, especially if you see the main benefit of music as being wellbeing, and the main disadvantage being potential lack of wellbeing. Naturally it's never that simple, would being a tech leave you time for any musical outlet or not?"
-yep, that's the question.


..I haven't fully come to a conclusion, but you can see which way I'm leaning. Many of my friends are thinking in terms of employability*, which is an entirely sensible approach which I should probably take on board. I'm thinking in terms of happiness, with a side order of having a roof over my head.
*or essentially saying, your job won't change my view of you, which whilst not entirely point-related is nice to know.




I had an Idea that made me happy this afternoon. There's a recording studio in St Helens which is very cheap. I think I would like to record some euphonium music. Of course, mostly this will be music I know from university, but I suspect I could come up with some interesting things all the same. It will be just for me. And the people involved. And my family. And anyone else who really wants to hear it.

So I've wound up buying euphonium quartet CDs after listening to a gorgeous sample of a piece that's been stuck in my head about a year and a half; planning to make a CD of my own; and researching engineering jobs. Hmmmmm.