sevenhelz

I hate my body. Not for the usual reasons, oh no; I know I'm well-formed and reasonably good looking. What I hate is the constant discomfort, usually only verging on pain but recently crossing that line most of the time. I'd think up some witty pun to put here, but I'm hurting and unhappy. I hate that my back is so fucked up, I hate that the doctor who referred me for physio didn't think my chronic back pain (since the age of 16, which I understand from my research at the NHS website is both unusual and mildly worrying) was enough of a problem to warrant actually sorting it out before the physios went on holiday for four months, and I hate that ibuprofen has stopped working. I hate that I can't find my wheat pack, I hate that I don't know anyone who gives good massage and I hate that (because while I was active, during term time, my back was less of a problem or I at least didn't have so much time to really feel the pain) I haven't found the time, money or inclination to find a chiropracter, physio or massage therapist in Huddersfield to help me. I feel stupid, and I hurt because of my own stupidity (or you could call it denial). I also hurt because of the item that means most to me in the world, my euphonium. I haven't even played it for a week and I still hurt. I can't sleep on normal mattresses so I sleep on the floor. I'm going to spend £100+ on a mattress and then I may end up buying a bed as well because my landlord only provides okay ones, not amazingly scarily supportive ones like I'd need which actually make it fairly pointless having a bed except as something to store stuff under. I'm going to spend money on physio or sports massage because I hurt so fucking much, and I hate that because for most of this year I've been living (or trying to live) on £20 a week. That's probably half of what I'll pay for a session of healing. Hurrah. See why I asked the fucking doctors to sort me out? But hey, I should've guessed there would be a waiting list, I should've gone earlier, hell if I'd realised when I was in high school that all the pain from carrying things wrong that were too heavy for me would never go away I might've done something differently but I didn't because I was an idiot back then. And now I just hurt.
I feel like my body's betrayed me, but it was me that made it this way.