sevenhelz: photo of me snuggling a cat. my face is not shown (Default)
sevenhelz ([personal profile] sevenhelz) wrote2013-09-01 04:46 pm

on relationships and Relationships

I don't understand monogamy. I don't understand thinking that one person is the most special important thing on the planet, to the exclusion of all the other special important wonderful people in your life. I don't understand being interested in new people, learning a little bit about them, and then when you find a person who is interested back in this intense way, deciding not to spend any more time thinking about the others or to continue to communicate directly with people you were previously anxious to find out everything about.

I don't really understand being that anxious in the first place. People are too complicated to ever truly understand; having long conversations about everything you can think of for a month straight would still only tell you so much about a person. The world has to be experienced together. I'm slowly learning that the best friendships come from having been through stuff together - sometimes hard, physical graft; sometimes emotionally difficult situations; sometimes bonding gradually over quiet afternoons drinking tea. It's not necessary to set the world to rights every time you see someone, even if it can be valuable. It's not necessary to share every opinion with a person in order to find them attractive and valuable.

All that being the case, there are many people in my life who are attractive and valuable. There are many people in my life I enjoy spending time with - from the comfortable silence of laptops at dusk, through the supportive active world of free-running or bouldering or the gym, to the noise and complication of marching inside a band. There are people I love. There are people I love in different ways; family is different to friends is different to heroes (and I'm incredibly lucky in having some workmates who enter multiple categories). I've had incredible chemistry with some people in my life. Some of these I've dated, others not, and usually because they or I were monogamously involved with somebody else. I don't regret anything about that; I do understand that not everybody feels the way I do, and I am not egotistical or selfish enough to break up multiple people's happiness. But still... I don't get the repulsion. The need to differentiate between the levels of love you have for folk, and to display that proudly.

A lass in our band has had an unpleasant phone call tonight, from a woman who claims to be her best friend's fiancee. She didn't know he was with anybody; he's repeatedly told her that he wants to be with her, that it's hard being single; she's repeatedly told him she's happy with her fella. If this lass knew or decided that she could make up the rules as she went, I'm pretty sure she could be happy with three blokes, instead of happy with one. She fairly obviously has enough time and energy and love for them all. So what's so great about this one-only model? All it does is make people lie, and make people hurt.
miss_s_b: (Default)

[personal profile] miss_s_b 2013-09-01 10:16 pm (UTC)(link)
I don't know. When I was IN that sort of relationship I probably would have had an answer. But I'm buggered if I can remember what it would have been.
baroncognito: (Default)

[personal profile] baroncognito 2013-09-07 05:58 am (UTC)(link)
For some people monogamy works. While I like interacting with people, I don't get "romantic feelings" for people very often. I've only ever kissed two people. I can count the number of crushes I've had on both hands. Being in just one relationship takes so much energy and investment, I have no idea how I'd manage multiple romantic relationships.

But being monogamous doesn't mean abandoning all non-romantic relationships because they aren't as important. It just means not pursuing any other romantic opportunities. Which is not an issue for me, because I'm generally oblivious to any romantic opportunities in the first place.