sevenhelz: photo of me snuggling a cat. my face is not shown (Default)
posted by [personal profile] sevenhelz at 09:48pm on 30/06/2014 under , ,
My thoughts are not coalescing well so this is half-formed. But not malformed.

Something about being meant to be alone, while the Army taught me to truly want to understand people, so that I learnt to value alternative relationships to the Capital R kind.

Something about realising I am not just used to being the carer - I actually *do want* to be the protective one.

Something about being open to adventure and perhaps too quick to seize upon true connections.

Something about learning to do things alone    because I want to do them regardless of the company    but further, realising I can enjoy my own company.
(work in progress)

Something about while doing awesome things, realising with joy that they would really piss off the bastard ex, and noticing that that matters, and is not a bad thing.

Something about being comforted by things that I learnt to love when I was quite young, despite now being able to see problems with them; something about criticising from a place of love.

Something about realising that not every encounter has to be epic, and that being able to have non-epic encounters is the stuff that long-term relationships (small r) are made of.

Something about odd childhoods, and something about recovery, and learning to live.

Something about seeing negative traits as hang-ups from childhood, and how that relates to the self and others, and which different standards or expectations I apply where.

Something about how "people who love one another take care of one another" is a dangerous model to live by if you are not safely amongst others who live by it.

Something about realising that if I can endure being alone to do mundane things, I can also embrace it.
sevenhelz: photo of me snuggling a cat. my face is not shown (Default)
posted by [personal profile] sevenhelz at 12:30am on 27/12/2011 under , , ,
I think it's kind of uncool to like Alanis Morrisette, but I'll admit I was influenced by her, growing up. I listened to music on repeat, those days, to hear how it was being made, try to get into the heads of the performers, and of course learn the lyrics (I've always found it difficult to follow any kind of accented singing voice, and various tones make it hard to make things out). I've just been talking briefly on twitter about mutuality, gift-giving and expectations in relationships, and my take is always that as long as there is mutuality, some kind of reciprocation, I'd never worry too much about how it's done; my brother, for instance, just bought me a book because he "owes me a present", which prompted a brief discussion of the term "owe". Culturally we're taught to expect that people exchange Things, the bigger and better the Thing (or the more well-planned) the stronger the relationship. There's no getting away from it, we're all part of the culture, and in truth we do like these tokens of affection, as much as we appreciate the objects themselves (books and music are particularly precious to me, and that someone knows this is a sign of how close we are). I'd like to think I can appreciate the positive, generous side of that, the reminder now and again to be sweet to one another, without making people feel the negative pull of obligation, shame or embarrassment that they haven't or can't reciprocate. And back to Alanis... This is the song I've been thinking about (lyrics here), and while I think living like that entirely is a path to being abused, it... would be nice if it were possible to love that way. Another one that I remember wondering at was 21 things I want in a lover - that lyric, I figure I can describe it, since I have a choice in the matter - seems like something that needs saying. Especially as a young woman, I'm glad I heard it. I'm fully aware now of how much (and in what ways) I fit the societal ideal, and I know that someone who expresses attraction is not doing me a favour. It's not something I'm obligated to return.
I feel I should say more, but before the inevitable cheese sandwich craving hits, I'm going to watch some of The Princess Bride.

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