sevenhelz: photo of me snuggling a cat. my face is not shown (Default)
posted by [personal profile] sevenhelz at 12:26am on 13/02/2013 under , ,
I don't know if it's a girl thing, or just a me thing (but not *just* me, I think), but I've always had trouble laying claim to interests that I'm not deeply involved in.

This ties up a few ideas that've been rolling around my head, like the way I basically never competed with my older siblings in maths and puzzles, or coming to terms with how I came to play the euphonium at the age of ten - not sooner, because apparently I didn't realise that you didn't have to be brilliant straight away - and also, the problem with my first boyfriend having been such a bullshitter that for years I was not able to say no, I've never heard of that band, tell me more?

So there was also this post about the "fake geek girl" concept which got me thinking, partly because I do think traditionally the geekiest people have been kind of autistic, and that's tied into a whole other issue about autism and gender and nature vs nurture debate, but mostly got me kind of sad that people feel the need to attack others for wanting to do the same things they (the first people) want to do... Anyhow I figure I empathise with that author, Kate Conway, who said she feels like she's about to be caught out, if she expresses an interest in something that she hasn't read the whole backstory to. I totes get that - like, I used to be pretty active on the internet, but I will be quick to dismiss my geekery as not computery, because I don't do codegeeking. I really get it. I feel like that when I'm trying to talk or even to humbly find out about things I've always kind of mentally categorised as too cool for me. These things include but are not limited to; parkour, clubbing, climbing, martial arts, roller derby, ska bands. You may note that I actually have some experience in some of these fields. What I don't have is confidence in my history there, or my provable worth/understanding. As opposed to when I'm geeking about instruments, at which point I'm geeking too hard to care much how people react... that's kind of an OCD/aspie side to me which, like I say, I think is pretty common in strongly geeky people... So otherwise it's probably partly the army set-up and being straight out of training that makes me nervous of talking like I think I know more than those around me. I don't want to step on anybody's toes... But then I think it's a habit I've always had, and the thing is; I really don't want it to hold me back from anything. I'm big enough and ugly enough to stand my ground should I get sneered at, and I'm actually old enough now that mostly people don't bother to try to pick holes in . This is... new, odd, and I suppose should be exciting. Mostly I'm confused. It ought to be okay or indeed more than okay not to be so obsessively into something as to be mean to other people wanting to find out about it. Surely it ought to be the aim?

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