sevenhelz: photo of me snuggling a cat. my face is not shown (Default)
posted by [personal profile] sevenhelz at 01:00pm on 03/12/2015 under ,
So on Tuesday last week I was meant to be going climbing with GG. He flaked, because he didn't want to travel to the place, and when I offered half a dozen alternative activities he said he wasn't attached to meeting, questioned why I was, and said he'd be happy to meet if I came up with a different plan. Entwined around this facebook-messenger conversation, he also casually redefined our relationship by sending me a badly-written and whinily defensive opinion piece about "solo poly" and saying he identified with this; I pointed him to a discussion of "single but together" which seemed a similar (and equally bullshit) concept to me, and he told me he agreed with his friend's comments there. Fine, except that his friend also said "if I were in a relationship I would no longer be solo". I clarified that I had checked in with him before changing my status on OkCupid, and that we'd been calling each other partners for months. He said he hadn't been upset by that and didn't see it as mutually exclusive.
I was stung by the concept itself and angry about the nonchalant way GG did this.

In mainstream relationships you can have independence and self-reliance and be recognised for that. Especially when the world thinks you're a man. So to actively claim the title of solo seems unnecessary, and denies the positive role of your partner(s) in your life. I've been long term single and I've been in long term relationships and while I know I'm okay solo, and I am a whole and complete person, I am better when I am with someone. I acknowledge that not only privately, but verbally to the outside world.
I can respect "solo poly" as a term for someone maybe dating, maybe playing with people, but not currently counting on someone to be with them for the forseeable future and whatever - fine. "Solo poly" as a term for dating people long term but just not moving in together or sharing finances? I can intellectualise that, I can basically understand it if it's done with consent and understanding all round, but I can't emotionally connect with it. I'm not looking for someone to live with or share finances with, but anybody I'm seeing regularly is a source of emotional support to me in whatever way, and I would call that a relationship and I would acknowledge it publicly - to the point where I was trying to work out how to be openly poly at my rather conservative workplace. Which wouldn't matter if I considered myself solo.
I'm pretty sure any label you have to discuss every time you apply it is redundant, and if it causes harm at the same time, that's not the fault of the person you're failing to explain properly to.
Upshot? I haven't spoken to GG since. I sent him a couple of paragraphs that night about how he could have been more polite about choosing an activity himself, if he were remotely bothered about seeing me, and all he said the next day was "how are you feeling today?"
I have no more words.


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