sevenhelz

So, the February intake is full. I knew from the minute my op was cancelled last week that there was every chance it would be. But y'know, that's okay. Aside from the fact that my fitness is suboptimal after Christmas and being ill, there is actually Stuff Happening these next couple of months. Brass band contests, a belly dance performance I can be in, oh and my ex's leave. Which I would've missed if I were away from early Feb. So that's alright.
x

You know, I'd quite like to live in a world where the arts are considered useful, and not just by people who work in them. I'd like not to have to justify to people *including myself* the usefulness of what I do.

Because I can't be arsed writing this up properly, here's a conversation I had earlier with @jaimelicious on twitter:

me: it's problematic for me that my talents aren't overtly categorisable as innovative. I'm good at interpreting but it's composers who tend to be making from scratch, as it were.

J: think with music, interpretation is innovation. Hearing a familiar piece in a totally different way, or with new subtleties

me: also interpretation is applied to every piece, whether it's something new or old, obscure or well-known. It's complicated. i used to steward for hcmf, recognise value of the completely new, but for me the most interesting stuff is when you apply new ideas to older genres eg hearing new brass band testpieces incorporate 'contemporary' techniques. When you consider the history of brass bands, bringing high-brow music to a wider audience, educating the folk involved, it isn't so different now it's valuable to bring ideas to a wider range of people even if you're not constantly at the forefront of innovation yourself. i think that's always been my conclusion

It was really useful to talk that through, even though I tend to prefer to throw ideas at someone in person, so I know I'm not freaking them out. Eh. I think it says enough for now.

A week or two ago I rented a car for a few days and saw some friends, all over the place. I did quite a bit of driving, in good and bad conditions, and thought to myself a lot. Driving is an act of power and freedom which I'm sure has been discussed at length in other places. It's also an act of faith, and sometimes it can actually reaffirm my faith in other people. I'll tell you why.
( driving... )

I've known some people who're nervous of driving and the only way I can see of them getting over it is to do it. Otherwise you depend on other people to show you how beautiful Castle Hill is at night, or the back routes that take you over hills and through trees and give you that occasional, tantalising glimpse of the entire town laid out for you.

Part of me thinks this doesn't or shouldn't need saying anymore, and certainly not so damned repeatedly, but here we are.

I keep having this conversation:

me: some kind of comment that is not 100% supportive of a person's choice of diet (usually because my views are too long to go into on first bite) or foolishly advises more activity and less restrictions, etc
them: How dare you call me stupid, I am intelligent and sensitive and in touch with my body and you Just Don't Understand!
( ... )

I got a phone call just before 10am telling me the consultant for my op was ill and their appts cancelled. I've been assured that I'll be rescheduled as soon as possible but I don't know if we're talking weeks or months, because that little "okay. bye" that came out of my mouth was me mentally curling up in a ball. I feel like I jinxed this somehow. Every time something's gone wrong and kept me from the Army, I've felt like I've jinxed it. By talking too excitedly about it, or by planning too far ahead. There were months when I didn't say a word to anyone about what I was trying to do, or what I was thinking and hoping. There have been phases where I've believed really strongly in Meant To Be.
I have no idea what to do. Perhaps it's time to give up and find a real job.

( Antilamentation - Dorianne Laux )

I'm eating tea and toast, as recommended, probably in thicker slabs than recommended but tough; after 0730 I don't get to eat or drink anymore, which I suspect means I'll be going back to bed sitting up. My cold's gotten worse rather than better, with a dry cough and a runny nose; best I can hope is that the hospital ignore my discomfort and give me the op anyway. So I'm a little nervous, but more in my usual "don't let's be late" "don't let anything get in the way" kind of way I get for any appointment.

Five more minutes. I may end up leaving some of this toast.

Robbie Williams. I like him. I've always been kinda fascinated by him, even while I don't particularly like his voice and I don't think he's an amazing artist. Millenium must've come out when we were about thirteen, and there was something obviously fake in the "joy" he was trying to project for that vid, that weirdly drew me in. In recent years I read some biography of him, and learnt that his lyrics are his own, which is basically the only good thing about his music. Did you watch Stephen Fry's series on bipolar disorder? Robbie was in that, saying that he's not bipolar. He's depressed. The stage front is just that, a front. That's curious, no? I read a biography on him that was pretty sympathetic, and learnt that he writes his own lyrics; given they're the best part of his music, I like the guy. Go look up the words to No Regrets and Strong. I can get behind that, and I'm big enough and ugly enough to admit to liking something uncool.